prelims in a week's time. subjects yet to be covered:

- Literature (6 stories. swaddled lump of flesh)
- Chemistry (4 Chpts. )
- Biolody (8 Chpts- I HATE INHERIDITY. who cares abt X or Y chromosomes)
- Math
- Add-math - guess i'm giving up on this.
- Geography (4 whole chapters. seem little yea? -AS IF)
- Social studies ( Sec 3 & 4)

Conclusion: I'M SO GONNA BE DEAD. i guess many of us are going to breakdown very soon. be it mentally or emotionally. mugging and mugging and mugging. so, let us free ourselves from reality for a few mins..

Main reason why it is not the student's fault if he fails:

A YEAR HAS ONLY 365 DAYS!!!

let us look deeper on why 365 days are not sufficient:

1. There are 52 Sundays in a year and you know Sundays ARE for rest.
No. of days left: 313

2. Summer holidays. well this doesnt really apply to S'pore, well maybe it does. Since its all year round, and the weather if so hot, how to study?? Anyway, take it for maybe 50 days.
No. of days left: 263

3. 8 hours daily sleep, which means there goes 130 days.
No. of days left: 141

4. 1 hour daily play - good for health. 15 days gone.
No. of days left: 126

5. 2 hours daily for food and other delicacies (that includes proper chewing and swallowing) which costs 30 days.
No. of days left: 96

6. 1 hour daily to excercise our mouths. we must learn to be sociable mah. so, 15 days.
No. of days left: 81

7. Examination days. at least 35 days per year.
No. of days left: 46

8. March, June, September, December and other festivals holidays - takes up 40 days
No. of days left: 6

9. For sickness, even if you are superman.. at least 3 days
No. of days left: 3

10. Movies and functions: 2 days
No. of days left: 1

11. That one day left is your birthday! How can you study on your b'day?
No. of days left: 0

Therefore, how can your blame students when they fail their exams? NO TIME TO STUDY WHAT!!

okie. back to reality. ha. think this is pretty cool. Anyway, no matter what. we are gonna survive. its just prelims la. only prelims. (awww. i'm lying) God is here for us. theres nothing more we can ask for.
okay! that's it. I WILL SURVIVE!! yes through God's mercy and grace, i know i will. i will make it.

P.S: peeps. i'm kinda stressed up. thus if i diao you in school, ignore you, beat you up, step on your foot, punch you in the face, stuff waste paper into your mouth, scream at you, poke you with a pencil, knock you out with my books, give you rejected face.. please do not be offended. and i'm very sorry yup. and don't worry if i look as if i'm gonna commit suicide, cos i will not. =)


sometimes i feel so weird
i even freak myself out
i laugh myself to sleep
it's my lullaby

always wondering what all the implications are
always questioning how all the mazes connect

left. hanging. on the string. again.
known. yet unknown.
state of mind. your mind. your thoughts.
regrets. here? now? when?
how? can you please tell me.

don't cry. breathe.
don't sleep. dream.
don't ask. feel.

go away.

It's my birthday!! yipeee. The most awaited day in the whole year other than christmas. Was woken up by the birthday message from Lean may at 12 midnight sharp. Haha. Thanx gal! Well, great. since i slept from 7pm to 12 midnight on tuesday, i only managed to fall asleep around 4.30am. WHOA. and guess what, i turned out to be a panda this morning. gosh. but who cares. haha.

Anyway, a big big thank you for all friends out there! yup! everything was great! But of cos, i would like to mention a few in particular:

1. KALADAIS- Thanx for the wonderful dinner, rounds of fuzzy monkey game, we can really stuff man. haha. also not forgetting the self-obsessed shots taking, hilarious "lemon tree" performance. HAHA. You guys are great!

2. WOSSSTA- The celebration in the canteen was really surprising! Never thought you guys would have planned such things. so touched! Laughs. Thanx for the cake. (both the big one and the small slice) tasted good. i love the strawberry. =)

3. Brudderhood- Thanx so much for rushing back from camp to spend the day with me. Thanx for the effort of trying to bake a cake, though it was err. . . well. nevertheless, i appreciate it. yup! it was really sweet of your to do that. heex. oh! and the dedication on perfect 10. haha.

4. Lean May, Suying, Xiao Ting, Jaslyn, Ruth, Andy, Wayne, Yibin sir, Berlinda, Cheryl, Jasmine, Rachel, Jamie, Pris, Vanny, Meishi, Euodia, Limin, Eugene, Allan, Lionel, Ming Sheng.. and many more. i cant remember. i'm sorry! haha. but yeah. thanx alot for those super sweet messages and wishes. -smiles-

Also, thanx for the prezzies, the hand shakes, greetings.. Love ya peeps. Praise the Lord!

One in Love

The farewell party was over. I am glad i controlled well, not to cry infront of everyone. The memories, the experiences, the laughter, the jokes, the tears, the conflicts, the achievements, the cheers, the spirit, the pain, the love... everything came flooding back when the songs were played especially "say goodbye" . The words really touched me, though i tried to sing along so i wouldnt think much about anything else. Or perhaps it was the resounding applause that rang into my heart and touched my soul, the realisation that we'd actually succeeded. We finished the race, and we finished it well.What i thought would be a stiff, mechanical boring party touched my heart today, and by the campfire i felt an ache i'd never felt before, as if i was leaving a loved one. I swore i wouldnt cry before it started. I didnt cry after 3 Sec 4 farewell parties, i didnt cry after Orientation, and I sure as hell wouldnt cry infront of the entire unit. Heck. It was difficult. But i made it. Though i confess i did tear and credit goes to Con's and yuling mdm's speech and too, my dearest Sec 2 sqd singing that touching song. That song really really touched me. Of course, there's another reason which is that i feel that i am actually attached to the sec 2s much much more then i thought i am. Though at times, i'm really pissed with the attitude they are giving me. Those heck care attitude they had. But, I could not deny they did make my life in NP more worthwhile. I've always wanted to give up, and just get on, but they pulled me back up. For a million of times i said i wanted to show them what a real training is, but i never succeeded. And for a matter of fact, their performance last night wasnt that amazing compared to the rest, but i enjoyed it. did i? Ha. Yes. Looking at them trying to take off their cap and turn and stuffs melts my heart. Interaction time was the killer. I felt like pulling each of them up and give them each a big big hug. I'll really miss them. and i know the reason is simple. The more precious something is to you, the more painful it is to let it go. And well, it was only till then that i realised it pained all of us to let it go, that all of us saw NP as how precious it truely was in our eyes. Our Saturdays are NP uniform-free as there is no more CCA to attend. Warm as they may be, we wore them with pride and fervour every week. I didnt feel anything when i received my invitation card to the event, commenting on how "nicely" made they were(LOL) and slipped it into my notebook, everything going in super slow motion. Didnt want to think about the implications of that simple movement. Only when i see the sec 3s running here and there yst, did i realise it was gone..
I would like to thank the Sec 3s for such a perfect night. I guess it was really good. Though the location was a bit off. The song the two musicians played nearly put the whole s4s to tears. it was our song! such a surprise i would say. Also s4s, thank you for 4 wonderful years. Thank you for the cheering, the comforting, the hugs, the encouragements. For the late night proposals discussion and logistics checking. For the endless practices of songs and dances. For the long hours of meeting after meeting after meeting. For the basketball matches, for the barbaric water melon game. For the staying back to clean the NP room, paint the room (which is still unfinished since sec 2) to clean dirt off the lamps, flick silverfishes out of booklets. For school events duty. For christmas night duty. For the ushering in our half uniform to carpark duty in full uniform with gloves. For all the dirty jokes and gay gestures. For the birthday celebrations filled with jokes, strip dai dee, kicking, mocking, and Fish and Co. For the BBQs and beach outings. For the late night cup noodles, pizzas and sleepovers. For the spirit of Sec 1 camp, the glamour of Farewell, the toil of Newspaper Collection, the triumph of Orientation, the energy of cheering competitions.. and so many other things which i cant place now. There's just so many...I just realised that every single day was different with you. There was never a time when you let me simply exist. No, you pulled me in and made me live life how i wanted to: to the fullest. There were high points and depressing moments. Slacking and toil. Conflicts and reconciliation. But there was always Love. Love for one another, love for our sqdmates, love for the unit, and love for God. One in Love indeed, One in Love. One year ago, i cringed at that corny phrase. Now, i shout it out loud with pride and conviction, for you, S4S, have made me what i am today. You're the best thing that has happened to me till now, and i thank you so much for that. We have fought the good fight. We have finished the race. And we have kept the Faith. And after today, i can safely say that we've succeeded. PL Sec 4 sqd'04 Forever.

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

disappointment

all these things about ndp training being tough, all the i-really-wanna-quit-np-or-i-am-gonna-die attitude. i've had enough man. c'mon la. this isnt something that difficult to decide on. if you cant cope with the training, or rather put it this way, you dont have the commitment or dont even bother to turn up for training, then i rather not have you in the parade itself. whats the point of dwelling in something which you are not interested in?? giving all kinds of excuses from headache to leg pain. head to toe. yeah right. it seems that your best friends and you have such good telepathy that you guys can be sick altogether at the same time. (6 together & same sickness) wow. -clap- just give you a hint: if you wanna fake, at least say different illnesses. cos to me, your world only has one disease-stomachache.

its really disappointing at the rate you guys are going. i'm not saying its wrong to be unsure of your drills, its perfectly fine. but now, the thing is that, i dont see any effort put in. (this only applys to certain people. i know some are tryin' real hard) the truth is, your dont know how lucky you are to be marching in with your sqdmates. this is a real time to bond. its a good time to build up your unity. but i guess, your are not aware of these. i'm just totally disguested by the attitude your are giving. i'm tryin' my best not to make the trainings that boring and tough for you guys, but whats the point? i dont see any point of doing these. since no one appreciates, well, i just have to say, i think i've given up. its not worthy. your wanting to study, wanting to rest. what about me? i'm not that brainy after all?! i want to study. i too need to mug for my o levels. i need a rest too. yet, so what? i'm not given extra time to do all these stuffs as well. if any of your are actually reading this, and if you arent happy with the things ive said, you can just confront me in school whatsoever. i dont give a damn. about this. anymore. enough is enough.

for you: feel isolated? never. you know we will be here for you right? its their lost for not picking you. i dont care. in or not, the both of us will still find time to spend with you. alright? -cheers-

I should update my blog

yes indeed. i should update my blog. its been quite sometime since ive blogged in anything here. well, the week passed fruitfully (i hope) was kind of busy. my life revolved round cca and hols homework. got a crack from them with class chalet. it turned out good suprisingly. glad i've went for it. (: come to think of it, i was still dreading over it last week. well. yeah. i guess it was the company which does it. i'm starting to love my classmates more and more. its cool "hanky-pankying" with sharon, missing prisca, "bbq-ing" and suanning seow, disagreeing with yulian, chilling out with heather, bye-ing to charrisa, of cos, talking out with euodia. (shes really cool) so, overall, i've really enjoyed myself i suppose.

lots of work undone. its sunday. a few more hours to chiong my stuffs. gosh. i can go for mission impossible 3 i guess. so much work to do.

english comphre
maths tys
lit essay
biology
chemistry
social studies essay
chinese oral


its good to know she has got someone out there for her. its good to hear she has got a new start, and found the person shes been looking for. i'm glad. really glad. of cos, i will think about stuffs in the past occasionally, those were happy moments i guess. but nevertheless, i wish her all the best in everything. good luck girl! ;)

anyway, happy birthday to you!!! my gosh. 19 ah! thats cool. two years and you can watch R(A) movies as what you've said. (stop bragging) May you enjoy every moment of your time with the cute meee and brudderhood as companions -laughs- and hey you, 19 already, stop being so childish alright??!! its no use trying to provoke me by saying you are much taller.. (i dont give a damn) -evil laughter-

trippin' along

Yeppity yep, excuse the rushed, kancheong nature of this post. In about 11 hours i shall be on my way to malaysia with vannie and keng! Hooray! :) No kiasu parents and bratty kids to worry about for them, cause its the off-peak season. (week days) Yup. And i just started packing about 10 mins ago while they started last night. (em bei, there got shampoo anot?) i cant seem to find my discman, vcds and homework -screams- (promised vannie's mum that we would be mugging also.) actually, i dont know what to bring...

kit list:
1. sufficient clothings
2. toothbrush
3. towel
4. snacks (munch while having our movie marathon at night)
5. swim suit
6. handphone charger
7. cards
8. bible (can i not do quiet time just for three nights? -whines-)
9. harry potter books
10. facial wash
11. discman
12. vcds
13. h o m e w o r k (sigh. hope i'll never remember)

and so far, ive only laid out my towel and cards. (not even in a bag. cos i cant seem to find any. three of us are having the same problem.) Which means im pretty screwed. I'll just dump everything into my bag(hopefully i'll find one) and hope its enough to last four days.

*ps: prisca wants a purple and pink shirt, with some gold/brown flickers to compete with rajah's sari.

the glitter on the Cimmerian void outside was just cheerless.

up, up, in the sky so high. stars shining there so bright.

why is it that elation and happiness, is always so fleeting? maybe you knew what you had wanted, but yet, time and circumstance never congealed anything into fruition. the slippery sands shifts and disappears between the cracks of your fingers and down into the earth.

a candle sits in the middle of an outstretched palm. and its a lonely one, with the wax burned and melted down into a gooey mess. the blackened wick is gnarled with wasted hope. radiance, of the shimmering golden hope, sitting in the center of power; now covered in anonymity.

and you knew the face that was so fleeting. pass on by, and pass you by. you are just the passerby. like watching a scene from a bench in a public park, you're existing in a vacuum. you wanted to grasp it. but it was either your strength, or circumstance, or both, that failed you. but you couldn't decide which one it was.

no matter. you know the outcome of it anyway.

and they say that the midnight hour is the perfect time of day.

where all shadows melt away, giving rise to shades of shame and insanity that are flesh wound mementos burned into troglodytic eyes.

you walk, but you need no visuals anymore.

seeing is deceiving.

i played doctor for a day.

pushed my eyes in and splayed open my heart today.

but all i found

was three pounds of dust

and a dead bug.

there wasn't much room for thoughts anyway

because i made an indecision

about everything

and nothing.

there is a virus. somewhere.

microcosm of something diabolic. (i think.)

i thought i could trust someone.

someone who can save me.

i turned and see a report of someone

having a condition worse than mine.

i stretched out my arms for her.

she swept them away, and walked off.

time never saves. it festers.

till your mind collapses in gangrene.

so i stitched everything up.

and turned my face away.

Pottermania

Im a self-confessed harry potter fan.

Arrived home feeling great while grooving to Perfect 10 hits and all psyched up to complete a whole bunch of other school's prelim questions.
Spotted my copy of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" on the desk which came slipping out from my ah-lian bag (classmates should know). Dang. Even though the cover wasnt that fascinating. but thoughts came running through my mind again. though i've read it many times, i just cant resist the temptation. i wanna finish up the first book fast so i can move on to the rest. its just staring at me! it was staring at me!! Lord of the Rings was never THAT tempting.

Oh hell, what could it hurt to read just one chapter?
Harry's chosen as the Seeker of the Gryffindor team in the game of Quidditch against Slytherin. Professor McGonagall gave Harry the best broom ever. (they even have models) 'A Nimbus Two Thousand'. Harry was doing well in his training, and Wood was determined to clinch the Quidditch Cup this year. Screw maths, im hooked.
Read read read read, its 10.35pm and im at chapter 11, and still going strong.

*distant voices of all the teachers in the world* "Get your priorities straight Beishan!" Too late. Rowling's got me under her spell.

Spell of the Day:
Expecto Patronum
Useful spell to drive off Dementors, but extremely difficult to master. You have to think of an extremely happy thought with immense concentration, while uttering out the spell with much conviction. If successful, your Patronus would emerge and drive the Dementor at hand away. A Patronus differs among individuals: Harry's Patronus takes the form of a stag, in the representation of his father, who could turn into a stag when he was alive.

blissful time. there he goes yakking again:

all you people gorging yourselves at fullerton hotel, splurging from far east till city link, enjoying candlelight dinners on top of the city, remember that somewhere in Changi Point (and Tekong, and Jurong, and Pasir Lebar..) people are suffering, training so that you can enjoy such lovely experiences! -wistful- But it also reminds us: that someday, someday, we shalt emerge triumphant from the cesspool, and we shalt savour these simple (and expensive) pleasures, and drink deeply from life's cup! (slurp)


well. -shrugs- naggy.

Faith

I have faith that God's going to make everything all right. Yup. Mid-year exam was minor screwup indeed, small liddle itty bitty incy wincy spider crawling up the water spout, waiting for the rain of my super determination and exam-savvy to drown it and flush it down the loo!! (You see, the spider represents all the screwups, which i have decided to believe are minor and insignificant, and the rain represents all the other stuff i do to make up those errors! But of course you knew that, why am i telling you this for?)

Yup, ive prayed about it, and i have faith. I'll just "leave it to God". Cause God decides whatever that's best for you and i! So for all you people who're wondering about what's gonna come out of these damn O levels chinese paper, just say a little prayer, and leave it to God. :P

(okay beishan getting all reflective there and stuff.)

I cant wait for this to end! a few more hours to go! (you!you! stop reminding me i've still got my other papers to sit for) *deranged pulling out of tufts of hair*

Here's a little food for thought.. do the O Levels really matter? Yeah they're useful for getting into college or further education institutes and for a scholarship and all, but i doubt they'll count for much in the real world.. perhaps A Levels is the impt one. i guess your potential employer's going to be more interested in your 1st class honours rather than your 6 points.. (still, i WOULD like a set of nice grades, and stop bluffing, so would you!) Yeah, but personally, i think O Levels is more a "i believe i can do it so i wanna prove it" kind of thing, just would like to prove that, in Eminem's words, "you can do anything you set your mind to" Yup. Its possible and i WILL do it. *growl* (stop lying stop lying) What are your views on the dreaded Os, dear reader?

A thought into the future: I have more or less these choices: 1)work hard, get into sajc and proceed to university to get a medicine degree or something. and i can jolly well be my nurse. 2) study hard as well, get into tp or nyp and take up nursing course. be sent to a hospital and start working. 3) get into any poly. slack my way through. after graduating, work super hard to get into ocs and get a life there. 4) listen to my parents following my brother's footsteps: fly to melbourne, one year of college then university.

jeremish 29:11 says "For I know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." hmm. (:

molested

i'm really offended. super pissed. gosh. i'm molested. touched my this old freaking ti ko pek! argh. i'm getting all sick. whats your problem? whats your problem? i cant believe such things would happen to me. hey uncle, can you please control your hormones? wanna do such things, go get home and find your wife okay? dont pick on any girls out on the street. under law. this is what you call outrage of modesty. go get a life alright?

I've been thinking about the good old days
Decorated in a candy glaze
Each pretty ink blot panel
Tells a different tale
Each photo on the mantle
Sweet memories that never will go stale

I've been climbing up the walls again
Living with a memory that might have been
So pick me up on a weekday night
We could get together and ride around in
The black and white

I've been thinking about the good old days
My silly clothes and my silly ways
Each drunken drugstore purchase
Each chemical advance
Seven days a weekend
Every day the same old dizzy dance

Here's something every singapore sec 4 kid can identify with: the feeling of dread which hangs over you like a dark cloud from the moment you wake up every morning. "Oh no, I've got one less day to study for chinese O's!" Or when you're watching your favourite show in a sunday afternoon (sinfully guilty, because indulgence is the only way you can reward yourself before a week of studious fight) "oh no, only 8 hours left of freedom.."

Its now 9.48pm, which means i have 1 hour 12 mins to go before burying myself into those books again. Technically, the 1 hour 12 mins count for nothing since dread dread dread fills them, making them as unenjoyable as mugging itself. Sucks man. Havent felt this low in a long while. Maybe it is because i know there will be a mock paper tomorrow. Mayeb its because i know i've not yet touched my work. Maybe its because ive got to give flyers tomorrow. Maybe its because i know next week will suck.

Why will it suck? Because next week, dear reader, is Mugging All Out. The name itself conveys images of no sleep, heavy loads, big piles of worksheets, mock paper every day, pens running out of ink, heat rash inducing, pulling of hair, Revision, revision and more revision. Ahhh sucks.

But then again, once this week is over, once chinese O's is over, there's lots to look forward to. Hmmm mmm. Pray for me, dear reader, as i throw myself straight into the throng, discover new levels of shaggness, overcome new obstacles aplenty, wrestle with the best and worst of the human spirit, and most importantly, attempt to force down new informations from different exam papers!

I shall lead, i shall excel, i shall overcome (hey, isnt that a familiar motto? hahah), i shall survive, and i shall be back to blog of my tales! For they call me.. Van Helsing.
*music plays in the background*

wahahaha! im going nuts. Seeya!

i'm starting to love this.

she chose to walk alone.
though others wondered why.
refused to look before her,
kept eyes cast upwards,
towards the sky.

she didn't have companions.
no need for earthly things.
only wanted freedom,
from what she felt were puppet strings.

she longed to be a bird.
that she might fly away.
she pitied every blade of grass
for planted they would stay.

she longed to be a flame.
that brightly danced alone.
felt jealous of the steam
that made the air its only home.

some say she wished too hard.
some say she wished too long.
but we awoke one autumn day
to find that she was gone.

the trees, they say, stood witness.
the sky refused to tell.
but someone who had seen it
said the story played out well.

she spread her arms out wide.
breathed in the break of dawn.
she just let go of all she held...

and then she was gone.

When Exam Come..

Lord, grant me a quiet heart
before examination starts
Lead me to use my leisure hours
to rejuvenate my powers.

My mind from day dreams liberate
give me the will to concentrate.
From all distractions set me free
that in my studies i may be,

A student with a sole intent
to make my work a sacrament.
From my faint heart in love expel
all failure and dears that there
indwell.

And from my pillow dive away
all dark forebodings of the day.
Help me in faith to rest so deep
that i may have untroubled sleep.

While notes and subjects i prepare
may i not forget to pray.
And may i not forget to look
for daily guidance in Thy Book.

In quietness, confidence and peace
may i have quick and sure release,
from needless fears and
apprehension
from outward strain and tension.

So may examination find
each one alert in heart and mind.
Thus inward joy and peace
possessing
may examinations prove a blessing.

falling apart
it was too numb
to feel the pain inside.
the thought of friends
and love around her
vanished.
in split second.

she goes round searching
searching. searching.
for that glimpse of light.
but its gone
all gone.

no one understands
no one feels for her
she is alone
just alone.

the trust. the faith.
the bond.
destroyed.
a huge wall is building up.
between you and her.

she tries to smile.
tries to forget.

i see her running away
running far far away.
away from everyone.
everything.
into the darkness.

she sits alone
in the corner
thinking
theres no one
she can trust.
she teared.

the mind pulls the corners
of the mouth apart.
the heart bleeds.
is bleeding. not enough.
can't be held responsible.
breathless.
numb.
walk away.

in the end..
it doesn't matter.
she knows.
no one cares.
at all.