the little venture played pool for the first time in my whole life today. it was so scary!!!! when i entered the place, i felt super weird. like as if entering the place was a crime. serious. i was really really uncomfortable in that place. however, thanks to dearest cg pals, i managed to play the game fine enough that the stick was still in a piece. truthfully, it was quite fun la. haha. and i must say sven is super pro!! gosh. best man. so we had a game. with larry on my team vs timothy and pui ser. thanks to larry, we didnt lose that badly la. hahha. praise God. okie. so we actually hopped into town after that and wei jian and i happily went around as "asher-wanna be". finding pple to target on and play tricks. haha. its was really funny la. though we didnt get to meet that pringles man again. but we met osama-sorts of pple. with really bushy beard. and somehow, wei jian loves to target old, bald men. hahah. tsk. i just realised that its 2005 this saturday!! its so fast la. time flies man. still remember how i used to dread o's. and hoping it would end. and before i even know, its already 2005!! gosh. this is really scary. okie. so 2005. hmm. new year resolutions. first. i would want to ask for a million's million's million's million's million wishes and blessings from God this coming year and of cos, He's gonna give me many more millions than those! haha. amen amen. secondly, i would want to be a great blessing to those pple around me. bringing them joy, happiness and peace!! yes. so i would like to go on a mission trip if possible. serious! not kidding man. to help spread the gospel and the goodness of my DADDY!!! yipee! :) yup yup. wait a min. i dont think im' speaking of my resolutions but more of wishes. haha. but its okie. its my blog what!!! whats your problem huh? i like to go out of point, canont is it? -hur!- hahhaa. err. ok. tahts all folks! :D so, alright. back to the thing. em thirdly. hopefully my parents would accept Christ and be saved. i really really hope for this and im' still trusting God for working this out. and i know it WILL happen. yes. next, i would want to grow more in the love of God. yes. and perhaps get down to earth and start to be more serious. (so stop me from crapping alright). well , actually i'll leave that to God la. He knows whats best for me. :) and also to stay or leave d.a.r.e, its one matter which has been in my mind for teh past few weeks. seriously speaking. though i've joined d.a.r.e for just a short period of time, i must say i'm really attached to the ministry. it has really changed my life so much and it really impacted my life-loads. i've been praying abt this and i've received answers from Him in many ways. yet, i shant decide with my own will, cos i'm leaving this totally unto Him. for i only desire to please and serve Him in whichever area He wants me to. be it in the youth ministry, campus or music ministry, which i really hope i can get in as keyboardist. (though i'm like super lousy. but, grace grace la. i can do it! haha) so i'm like totally trusting Him in this and i will go where He sends me. school's starting soon. so sh0uld i or should i not go for first three mths? (as proper student-cos i'm definitely gonan crash JCs) HAHA. hmmm... or should i just work? nono. this is not a trick question. help me out peeps!!! (soon if possible. cos school's starting in a week's time!!) hah. oh, cg meeting this sat at teacher joy's place. hmm. cant wait! its 2005!! okok. i'm crazy. I will go where you send me. Jesus take me now i am yours. i am yours.

the blessed soul you know what? God is good. He is so good. i must say evangelion camp was so fun! my life really changed so much after this camp. He's presence was so strong that i felt that nothing else really matters when i'm so deeply loved by Him. :) i love Jesus!!! yoohoo!! hallelujah. and after the camp. i felt really really blessed. this is the first time i've felt so blessed to have both my parents around to care for me and love me. not only that, i'm blessed to have two elder sis and bro, who love me so so much. praise God for them. i've never knew how blessed it was to have two loving parents around. compared to many many friends of mine, i'm the almighty! and thank God for them. i love you dad! i love you mum! -screams- moreover, because of evangelion, i got really close to christine and weiling. i need to say, they are the BEST roommates ever!! super power man! christine. you are very very very funny. thank God for your blur-ness and your cuteness. and not forgetting your cup noodles! yipee. they rock. serious. and i do not blame the curry flavour one though it caused my lips to swell. haha. and weiling. that talk with you was really really good. cant believe we've shared so many personal stuffs! many of which even me myself never thought i would share them with someone one day. praise god for you two dearies. =) i love your! laughs. also, DHL rocks man!!! we are like the most happening pple around in teenzeal! haha. its amazing how God works. bringing pple of different backgrounds together. from strangers to aquintances to friends who are so close that we cannot part!! haha. and its only within the short four days that our bonds and made stronger. praise god! the mini care grp meeting at 4am on the last night was great. (or should i say morning) the games of mafia, truth or truth, tao pok-ing were so fun. not forgetting the inner secrets we shared. it was great. and did i mention the services were great too? the presence of God was so strong everyone couldnt help but cry out. it was really touching. :) and today's service was not that bad. some ang moh came to preach. on my way home, i was feeling really down. thinking its impossible for that to happen. however, solid rock magazine elightened me. the article on stress-free. it said heavenly father knows what i need. how do i not get them? however, He says we are not to get them the way the world gets them, but to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to me. thats so true! so i should stop worrying about it. yup. so i guess if God thinks this is the best for me, He will give it to me. and i dont have to grab any chances or do anything, just relax one corner and stone. God will do the job. praise God. i shared that with weiling, and she's freed! haha. i cant wait for caregrp outing tmr. yipeee!! laughs. Life is good with Jesus. :) accidently in love.

a renewed life

okie CG lunch at seoul garden was great man! wheee! not only the food rocks, the company was good. had a great time playing mafia. such a lame game. btw, pris and christine. your egg-y soup was darn gross. i guess its good to eat and laugh yourself out once in a while especially in this peroid of stressful month. wait. i think i sound very studious. okie. make this right. I'VE BEEN SLACKING FOR THE PAST WEEK. i am feeling so restless everyday. and i've grown fatter!! damn.. so pissed. when i stood on the weighing scale, it showed "lorry not allowed". no. i'm just kidding. not that bad. but i hit 44.5kg with my pinafore on and 44kg without pinafore. which means my pinafore is 0.5kg. i have no idea why it is so darn heavy, perhaps its my wallet. wait. I HAVE NO MONEY. heavy = coins. light = notes. get it get it? :p i'm really broke. have been eating and eating and eating these few days. sakae, seoul garden, pizza hut. damn. i'm so fat! argh.

side-note: i'm having geography paper tmr and now i'm online. tsk tsk tsk. now you get what i mean by feeling not stress at all? but ang moh wee is worse. she said she's reading 8-days now. geez. but some pple are just smart. dont study still can score. -turns green-

i can wait for o's to be over. i've said this many many times and i really mean it!! i can't wait! church camp church camp church camp! WHEEEE!!! anyway, oh yes. my pimple is giving me so much pain. i have these really HUGE acne and its so gross. errrghhh. i curse you pimple in Jesus name! yipee! haha. i'm healed. :)

anyway, i think babies make you go stupid. my sis have been taking care of my baby nephew till to the extent of beoming moron. let me explain

conversation: my sis vs her friend C

friend C: eh May, how do you spell 'whether' ah? i want the 'whether or not i can make it' the 'whether', not the 'weather' as in got rain or not...is it the same 'whether'? its not right?

sis: i think its a different 'whether'. errr...the 'whether' you want is the 'whether can or cannot' the 'whether' right?

friend C: ya...

Sis: W-E-A-T-H-E-R

friend C: ok...thank you ah.


now do you get what i mean by becoming stupid? i am not gonna be a baby-sitter and yes, i will not.

unconditional love

i know i know. dear readers must be fuming up with all the "why-arent-you-mugging-now?" mindset. i know i'm supposed to be mugging, but its the weekend! (SO? O'Level is still on!!) yeah. but you see. i'm rather happy now that most of the core subjects are over. such as Literature. i nearly died while studying it. while actually, i didnt study hard enough. i didnt really study for my subjects, not till the night before. (i snoozed for six hours in the afternoon. and watched tv for two hours in the night) yeah. truthfully. i can only study in the night. i suspect i'm nocturnal. well anyway, i wanna speak of my testimony to everyone.

Had my social studies paper a few days ago. and the night before, i was really at the extreme of giving up the subject(studying all sec 3 and 4 chpts), when this plague caught my eye. it says "the Joy of the Lord is my strength". and i suddenly thought of what pastor prince said. "When He has blessed you once, He will continue to." yeah and thats true. so i prayed and asked for God's guidance and He told me to study Switzeland. I trusted Him and guess what. Switzeland came out! Praise God! before entering the hall, i was telling wosssta to moan for me if switzeland doesnt come out, but my Father is faithful, and i managed to answer the questions. :) grace grace. He's so awesome.

same for Lit. i studied only the themes and one of the questions matched what i've studied. i must say God is so good. He's so awesome. so magnificant. so wonderful. so glorious! I love Jesus! weeee! even though i dont deserve good grades, He is willing to give them to me. so to all O' level-ers, dont give up yea? trust God and He will give it to you. and thats no folks!

anyway, i guess i'm rather upset about the fact i'm not going for CI course. i would love to, but well.. it just cant be help. never would i want to fight for a place with the rest of my sqdmates and get all upset and stuffs. its a foolish thing to do. but nevertheless, i think its a pity i wasnt given a chance to serve the unit. sigh. this is sad. i cant believe this is over for me. np's out of my life. this subject which revolved around my life for four whole years, and now its time to part. i cant help but feel a tinge of jealousy in my heart. jealous of those whom are still enjoying the fun of it. jealous of those who can actually continue this amazing journey. however, even if its the end for me, i'll never forget those wonderful times i had with my sqdmates, seniors, juniors and many important people in my life, whom we've come to know of each other, through this core. Thank you pple, for making my life more worthwhile.

many things have happened for the past weeks. exams, family... even so, i chose to put them aside and ignore them. i am not escaping, i just feel all these should be settled and looked into after o's. this is not the time. you can call me selfish, but i just dont want to let those who cares for me down. more importantly, myself. after the many trails in life, i've grown up and matured. i've come to realise that people come and go. it's nothing to be sad about. that's life.

human beings are ugly. two faced. dont deny it. everyone is. dont tell me you have never smiled at someone and in actual fact, you have been gossiping or had said something nasty behind his or her back. its funny to see how humans struggle to get "accepted" by other humans, but not God- who is much greater than any living or non living thing on earth. of course. everyone wants fame. wealth. recognition. it is proven that our lives revolve around nothing but papers. papers and more papers. in case you still do not get what i mean, let me explain it. our life started off with a piece of paper-birthcert. when we get older, and graduate from a pre-school, they give you no diapers but a piece of paper. more and more students are ending their lives because of their results. their "worse than so and so" results. students kill their brain cells and parents spend money on tuitions for excellent results. and what do you get in the end? leaving certs or report book - paper. everywhere on the streets we see people crying cos they are unemployed. families broken. because the bread-winner doesnt have "enough papers" to be qualified for the jobs. when people get married. what proves of this marriage is a piece of paper. when couples divorce, similarly, it becomes a fact when a piece of paper is produced. and you die, your family gets a peice of paper. again. so you see? what are we living for? without papers, this world would be nothing. absolutely nothing. this is how shallow human beings are. naive and silly. we work and work all day to get recognised, and in the end, nothing actually benefits us. as we work and work, we often neglect those who truely cares for us. we never learn how to look back and see things from another point of view. and often regret when it's too late. this is one mistake i've learned never to make again.

thank you for bearing with my stubborness and demanding character all these while. i know theres nothing i can do to change the fact that i have lost you. in my deepest desire, i really enjoyed the times we had, the bonds we made, the memories we shared. even if you dont believe me anymore, gonna talk to me no more, just wanna say i've always regarded you as someone important in my life. and that will never change. take care pal.


friends are friends forever
if the Lord's the Lord of them
and a friend will not say never
cos' the welcome will not end
though its hard to let you go
in the Father's hands we know
that a lifetime's not too long
to live as Friends.

tell me whats wrong with society.
when everywhere i look i see.
young girls dying to be on tv
wont stop till they've reached their dreams.
diet pills. surgery.
photoshop pictures in magazines
telling them how they should be.
it doesnt make sense to me!

i guess things arent how they used to be.
there are no more normal families.
parents act like enermies
making kids feel like its world war 3.
no one cares.
no one's there.
i think we are all just too damn busy
and money's our first priority

is everybody going crazy?
is anybody gonna save me?
can anybody tell me what's going on
tell me what's going on?
if you open your eyes.
you'll see that something is wrong.

is everybody going crazy?
is everybody going crazy?

tell me whats wrong with society
when everywhere i look i see
rich guys driving big SUV's
when kids are starving in the streets.

no one cares.

no one likes to share.

first of all, i didnt attend teenzeal on sat. boohoo!!! cos i couldnt make it. sigh. but nevertheless, service on sunday was great!! God's yoke is easy and His burden is light!! Amen! this made studying for o's a much easier task because i know it is easy and it is light! yeap yeap. More importantly, i am gonna get excellent results, as Jesus is the one taking the exam, not me! Good news!!

Alright guys. i've made up my mind. no JC for first three mths. gonna work for desiree's mum at sentosa. i guess its gonna be great!! yipee!! along the clean white shore.. under coconut trees.. with cool breeeze.. hot babes in bikini and cool dudes walking here and there.. beautiful work of God!! gonna work in a cafe. she mentioned something about frying burgers, making ice kachang, training dolphins!! so cool yea!! hoorey! =) i cant wait. i cant wait!!

Singapore idol is getting stupid. it is obvious Singapore is not voting for talents!! i think christopher should get voted out instead of david. the fact is chris cant really sing though i think he's kind of cute =x err. but thats not the point. the point is this is not man hunt lar! you muct have the voice and a pleasant face. well anyway, i thought it was funny when gurmit asked dick lee who should be the one voted out-chris or david. dick's not straight and gurmit is obviously putting him in a situation. LOL! i'll be watching singapore idol as long as olinda is still in the competition. she's good.

oh yeah. just came back from grapevine. was mugging there with heather and char. it was okie after all. cant really concentrate with that cheena-come-african music they were playing (though i brought my own music) my parents were so supportive of me going out to mug. they were even suggesting different suitable places. Laughs. Thank God for my parents. they are so adorable! x) okie. i really have to get down to serious mugging. i've been playing around too much. yes. they were just saying o' level is in 19 days time!! gosh gosh. its so fast. anyway, it's good results coming! my results are in His hands! grace gracee! =)


would you believe me if i said
that we are the ones who can make the change
in the world today?
would you believe me if i said
that all of your dreams in your heart
can come true today?
would you believe me if i said
that life could be all that
you want it to be today?

would you believe me if i said
that God can make miracles happen today?
would you believe me if i said
that you dont need to wait for the answers before
you step out in faith?
would you believe me if i said
that nothing is ever IMPOSSIBLE..
for God ?

and if i had wings i would fly
cos all that i need.. You are
and if the world caved in around me
to You i'll still hold on
cause You're all that I believe
and the one that created me
JESUS bacause of You..
i'm free!

just live your life
with God inside
you wont regret
one moment of it
and give all that you can
for God..
for God..

and if i had wings i would fly
cause all that i need.. You are
and if the world caved in around me
to You i'll still hold on
cause You're all that i believe
and the one that created me
JESUS because of You..
i'm free!

i really should update my blog - (char stop bugging me! lol)

prelims is finally over and o level is in one month's time!! gosh. so fast so fast so fast! but still, i know Daddy is gonna be with me (He was right beside me during my prelims), so there is nothing to fear!! yes yes. Praise Daddy for the results, although i can only make to CJC or SRJC? (hey! beishan dont complain!) so there goes my SAJC.. sigh. nevermind. this is ONLY prelims. i still have my o levels!! yup! I am gonna make it there! (i wish) however, i'm going Australia. so i guess its gonna be an empty dream?! well anyway, pple, go watch "one missed call"!!! its good! not at all scary but at least it has a decent plot. cos you see, japanese or korean horror movies dont usually have a plot. their style is to have ghosts popping out here and there and a sudden ending which makes no sense. but this time round its different!! so i recommend you guys to go watch it!!!

anyway, i've found out many of my classmates are heading to SR. pple like heather, yulian, char, euodia, meiyen? quite a no. eh?? not bad not bad. well, its not a bad place after all. its near, thus cut down transport fee.. i can walk to school everyday! Laughs. CJ's not bad too. a good place to slack for 3 months. and get pregnant. nah! i'm just kiddin' haha. see la heather! influenced me! aiyo.. ..

gosh. i can't wait for o's to be over. there's so much to be done. i'm gonna go wild wild wet with sharon. shop for prom with euodia. stay in sentosa with her. go beach with her. our malaysia trip. kaladais gathering. church camp. work!! theres so much to look forward to. oh man. this is bad. yes. i'm gettin' a job. i doubt i'm going JC for first three mths. or maybe i am. i dont know!! arghhh.

oh, i wanan congrat vanny and PC for being chosen as the "white mice" for the Hep. B experiment. You guys are SOOOO lucky. FREE blood test man! haha. oh yeah. talking abt them, i really enjoyed the lantern festival celebration with you guys, meishi and jinling that night. it was so cool! haha. and it was really fun even though what PC spat out after the "fuzzy monkey" game was really gross. haha. oh, PC and vanny are going for the Dec CI course!! yeah!! really happy for vanny as she has always wanted to serve as CI. good for you vanny. i would love to come back too. but i guess i just dont have the chance. kind of sad. unless i can serve through the intranet! haha. crap. so good luck PC and vanny. work for the unit! the unit needs you! :)

prelims in a week's time. subjects yet to be covered:

- Literature (6 stories. swaddled lump of flesh)
- Chemistry (4 Chpts. )
- Biolody (8 Chpts- I HATE INHERIDITY. who cares abt X or Y chromosomes)
- Math
- Add-math - guess i'm giving up on this.
- Geography (4 whole chapters. seem little yea? -AS IF)
- Social studies ( Sec 3 & 4)

Conclusion: I'M SO GONNA BE DEAD. i guess many of us are going to breakdown very soon. be it mentally or emotionally. mugging and mugging and mugging. so, let us free ourselves from reality for a few mins..

Main reason why it is not the student's fault if he fails:

A YEAR HAS ONLY 365 DAYS!!!

let us look deeper on why 365 days are not sufficient:

1. There are 52 Sundays in a year and you know Sundays ARE for rest.
No. of days left: 313

2. Summer holidays. well this doesnt really apply to S'pore, well maybe it does. Since its all year round, and the weather if so hot, how to study?? Anyway, take it for maybe 50 days.
No. of days left: 263

3. 8 hours daily sleep, which means there goes 130 days.
No. of days left: 141

4. 1 hour daily play - good for health. 15 days gone.
No. of days left: 126

5. 2 hours daily for food and other delicacies (that includes proper chewing and swallowing) which costs 30 days.
No. of days left: 96

6. 1 hour daily to excercise our mouths. we must learn to be sociable mah. so, 15 days.
No. of days left: 81

7. Examination days. at least 35 days per year.
No. of days left: 46

8. March, June, September, December and other festivals holidays - takes up 40 days
No. of days left: 6

9. For sickness, even if you are superman.. at least 3 days
No. of days left: 3

10. Movies and functions: 2 days
No. of days left: 1

11. That one day left is your birthday! How can you study on your b'day?
No. of days left: 0

Therefore, how can your blame students when they fail their exams? NO TIME TO STUDY WHAT!!

okie. back to reality. ha. think this is pretty cool. Anyway, no matter what. we are gonna survive. its just prelims la. only prelims. (awww. i'm lying) God is here for us. theres nothing more we can ask for.
okay! that's it. I WILL SURVIVE!! yes through God's mercy and grace, i know i will. i will make it.

P.S: peeps. i'm kinda stressed up. thus if i diao you in school, ignore you, beat you up, step on your foot, punch you in the face, stuff waste paper into your mouth, scream at you, poke you with a pencil, knock you out with my books, give you rejected face.. please do not be offended. and i'm very sorry yup. and don't worry if i look as if i'm gonna commit suicide, cos i will not. =)


sometimes i feel so weird
i even freak myself out
i laugh myself to sleep
it's my lullaby

always wondering what all the implications are
always questioning how all the mazes connect

left. hanging. on the string. again.
known. yet unknown.
state of mind. your mind. your thoughts.
regrets. here? now? when?
how? can you please tell me.

don't cry. breathe.
don't sleep. dream.
don't ask. feel.

go away.

It's my birthday!! yipeee. The most awaited day in the whole year other than christmas. Was woken up by the birthday message from Lean may at 12 midnight sharp. Haha. Thanx gal! Well, great. since i slept from 7pm to 12 midnight on tuesday, i only managed to fall asleep around 4.30am. WHOA. and guess what, i turned out to be a panda this morning. gosh. but who cares. haha.

Anyway, a big big thank you for all friends out there! yup! everything was great! But of cos, i would like to mention a few in particular:

1. KALADAIS- Thanx for the wonderful dinner, rounds of fuzzy monkey game, we can really stuff man. haha. also not forgetting the self-obsessed shots taking, hilarious "lemon tree" performance. HAHA. You guys are great!

2. WOSSSTA- The celebration in the canteen was really surprising! Never thought you guys would have planned such things. so touched! Laughs. Thanx for the cake. (both the big one and the small slice) tasted good. i love the strawberry. =)

3. Brudderhood- Thanx so much for rushing back from camp to spend the day with me. Thanx for the effort of trying to bake a cake, though it was err. . . well. nevertheless, i appreciate it. yup! it was really sweet of your to do that. heex. oh! and the dedication on perfect 10. haha.

4. Lean May, Suying, Xiao Ting, Jaslyn, Ruth, Andy, Wayne, Yibin sir, Berlinda, Cheryl, Jasmine, Rachel, Jamie, Pris, Vanny, Meishi, Euodia, Limin, Eugene, Allan, Lionel, Ming Sheng.. and many more. i cant remember. i'm sorry! haha. but yeah. thanx alot for those super sweet messages and wishes. -smiles-

Also, thanx for the prezzies, the hand shakes, greetings.. Love ya peeps. Praise the Lord!

One in Love

The farewell party was over. I am glad i controlled well, not to cry infront of everyone. The memories, the experiences, the laughter, the jokes, the tears, the conflicts, the achievements, the cheers, the spirit, the pain, the love... everything came flooding back when the songs were played especially "say goodbye" . The words really touched me, though i tried to sing along so i wouldnt think much about anything else. Or perhaps it was the resounding applause that rang into my heart and touched my soul, the realisation that we'd actually succeeded. We finished the race, and we finished it well.What i thought would be a stiff, mechanical boring party touched my heart today, and by the campfire i felt an ache i'd never felt before, as if i was leaving a loved one. I swore i wouldnt cry before it started. I didnt cry after 3 Sec 4 farewell parties, i didnt cry after Orientation, and I sure as hell wouldnt cry infront of the entire unit. Heck. It was difficult. But i made it. Though i confess i did tear and credit goes to Con's and yuling mdm's speech and too, my dearest Sec 2 sqd singing that touching song. That song really really touched me. Of course, there's another reason which is that i feel that i am actually attached to the sec 2s much much more then i thought i am. Though at times, i'm really pissed with the attitude they are giving me. Those heck care attitude they had. But, I could not deny they did make my life in NP more worthwhile. I've always wanted to give up, and just get on, but they pulled me back up. For a million of times i said i wanted to show them what a real training is, but i never succeeded. And for a matter of fact, their performance last night wasnt that amazing compared to the rest, but i enjoyed it. did i? Ha. Yes. Looking at them trying to take off their cap and turn and stuffs melts my heart. Interaction time was the killer. I felt like pulling each of them up and give them each a big big hug. I'll really miss them. and i know the reason is simple. The more precious something is to you, the more painful it is to let it go. And well, it was only till then that i realised it pained all of us to let it go, that all of us saw NP as how precious it truely was in our eyes. Our Saturdays are NP uniform-free as there is no more CCA to attend. Warm as they may be, we wore them with pride and fervour every week. I didnt feel anything when i received my invitation card to the event, commenting on how "nicely" made they were(LOL) and slipped it into my notebook, everything going in super slow motion. Didnt want to think about the implications of that simple movement. Only when i see the sec 3s running here and there yst, did i realise it was gone..
I would like to thank the Sec 3s for such a perfect night. I guess it was really good. Though the location was a bit off. The song the two musicians played nearly put the whole s4s to tears. it was our song! such a surprise i would say. Also s4s, thank you for 4 wonderful years. Thank you for the cheering, the comforting, the hugs, the encouragements. For the late night proposals discussion and logistics checking. For the endless practices of songs and dances. For the long hours of meeting after meeting after meeting. For the basketball matches, for the barbaric water melon game. For the staying back to clean the NP room, paint the room (which is still unfinished since sec 2) to clean dirt off the lamps, flick silverfishes out of booklets. For school events duty. For christmas night duty. For the ushering in our half uniform to carpark duty in full uniform with gloves. For all the dirty jokes and gay gestures. For the birthday celebrations filled with jokes, strip dai dee, kicking, mocking, and Fish and Co. For the BBQs and beach outings. For the late night cup noodles, pizzas and sleepovers. For the spirit of Sec 1 camp, the glamour of Farewell, the toil of Newspaper Collection, the triumph of Orientation, the energy of cheering competitions.. and so many other things which i cant place now. There's just so many...I just realised that every single day was different with you. There was never a time when you let me simply exist. No, you pulled me in and made me live life how i wanted to: to the fullest. There were high points and depressing moments. Slacking and toil. Conflicts and reconciliation. But there was always Love. Love for one another, love for our sqdmates, love for the unit, and love for God. One in Love indeed, One in Love. One year ago, i cringed at that corny phrase. Now, i shout it out loud with pride and conviction, for you, S4S, have made me what i am today. You're the best thing that has happened to me till now, and i thank you so much for that. We have fought the good fight. We have finished the race. And we have kept the Faith. And after today, i can safely say that we've succeeded. PL Sec 4 sqd'04 Forever.

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

disappointment

all these things about ndp training being tough, all the i-really-wanna-quit-np-or-i-am-gonna-die attitude. i've had enough man. c'mon la. this isnt something that difficult to decide on. if you cant cope with the training, or rather put it this way, you dont have the commitment or dont even bother to turn up for training, then i rather not have you in the parade itself. whats the point of dwelling in something which you are not interested in?? giving all kinds of excuses from headache to leg pain. head to toe. yeah right. it seems that your best friends and you have such good telepathy that you guys can be sick altogether at the same time. (6 together & same sickness) wow. -clap- just give you a hint: if you wanna fake, at least say different illnesses. cos to me, your world only has one disease-stomachache.

its really disappointing at the rate you guys are going. i'm not saying its wrong to be unsure of your drills, its perfectly fine. but now, the thing is that, i dont see any effort put in. (this only applys to certain people. i know some are tryin' real hard) the truth is, your dont know how lucky you are to be marching in with your sqdmates. this is a real time to bond. its a good time to build up your unity. but i guess, your are not aware of these. i'm just totally disguested by the attitude your are giving. i'm tryin' my best not to make the trainings that boring and tough for you guys, but whats the point? i dont see any point of doing these. since no one appreciates, well, i just have to say, i think i've given up. its not worthy. your wanting to study, wanting to rest. what about me? i'm not that brainy after all?! i want to study. i too need to mug for my o levels. i need a rest too. yet, so what? i'm not given extra time to do all these stuffs as well. if any of your are actually reading this, and if you arent happy with the things ive said, you can just confront me in school whatsoever. i dont give a damn. about this. anymore. enough is enough.

for you: feel isolated? never. you know we will be here for you right? its their lost for not picking you. i dont care. in or not, the both of us will still find time to spend with you. alright? -cheers-

I should update my blog

yes indeed. i should update my blog. its been quite sometime since ive blogged in anything here. well, the week passed fruitfully (i hope) was kind of busy. my life revolved round cca and hols homework. got a crack from them with class chalet. it turned out good suprisingly. glad i've went for it. (: come to think of it, i was still dreading over it last week. well. yeah. i guess it was the company which does it. i'm starting to love my classmates more and more. its cool "hanky-pankying" with sharon, missing prisca, "bbq-ing" and suanning seow, disagreeing with yulian, chilling out with heather, bye-ing to charrisa, of cos, talking out with euodia. (shes really cool) so, overall, i've really enjoyed myself i suppose.

lots of work undone. its sunday. a few more hours to chiong my stuffs. gosh. i can go for mission impossible 3 i guess. so much work to do.

english comphre
maths tys
lit essay
biology
chemistry
social studies essay
chinese oral


its good to know she has got someone out there for her. its good to hear she has got a new start, and found the person shes been looking for. i'm glad. really glad. of cos, i will think about stuffs in the past occasionally, those were happy moments i guess. but nevertheless, i wish her all the best in everything. good luck girl! ;)

anyway, happy birthday to you!!! my gosh. 19 ah! thats cool. two years and you can watch R(A) movies as what you've said. (stop bragging) May you enjoy every moment of your time with the cute meee and brudderhood as companions -laughs- and hey you, 19 already, stop being so childish alright??!! its no use trying to provoke me by saying you are much taller.. (i dont give a damn) -evil laughter-

trippin' along

Yeppity yep, excuse the rushed, kancheong nature of this post. In about 11 hours i shall be on my way to malaysia with vannie and keng! Hooray! :) No kiasu parents and bratty kids to worry about for them, cause its the off-peak season. (week days) Yup. And i just started packing about 10 mins ago while they started last night. (em bei, there got shampoo anot?) i cant seem to find my discman, vcds and homework -screams- (promised vannie's mum that we would be mugging also.) actually, i dont know what to bring...

kit list:
1. sufficient clothings
2. toothbrush
3. towel
4. snacks (munch while having our movie marathon at night)
5. swim suit
6. handphone charger
7. cards
8. bible (can i not do quiet time just for three nights? -whines-)
9. harry potter books
10. facial wash
11. discman
12. vcds
13. h o m e w o r k (sigh. hope i'll never remember)

and so far, ive only laid out my towel and cards. (not even in a bag. cos i cant seem to find any. three of us are having the same problem.) Which means im pretty screwed. I'll just dump everything into my bag(hopefully i'll find one) and hope its enough to last four days.

*ps: prisca wants a purple and pink shirt, with some gold/brown flickers to compete with rajah's sari.

the glitter on the Cimmerian void outside was just cheerless.

up, up, in the sky so high. stars shining there so bright.

why is it that elation and happiness, is always so fleeting? maybe you knew what you had wanted, but yet, time and circumstance never congealed anything into fruition. the slippery sands shifts and disappears between the cracks of your fingers and down into the earth.

a candle sits in the middle of an outstretched palm. and its a lonely one, with the wax burned and melted down into a gooey mess. the blackened wick is gnarled with wasted hope. radiance, of the shimmering golden hope, sitting in the center of power; now covered in anonymity.

and you knew the face that was so fleeting. pass on by, and pass you by. you are just the passerby. like watching a scene from a bench in a public park, you're existing in a vacuum. you wanted to grasp it. but it was either your strength, or circumstance, or both, that failed you. but you couldn't decide which one it was.

no matter. you know the outcome of it anyway.

and they say that the midnight hour is the perfect time of day.

where all shadows melt away, giving rise to shades of shame and insanity that are flesh wound mementos burned into troglodytic eyes.

you walk, but you need no visuals anymore.

seeing is deceiving.

i played doctor for a day.

pushed my eyes in and splayed open my heart today.

but all i found

was three pounds of dust

and a dead bug.

there wasn't much room for thoughts anyway

because i made an indecision

about everything

and nothing.

there is a virus. somewhere.

microcosm of something diabolic. (i think.)

i thought i could trust someone.

someone who can save me.

i turned and see a report of someone

having a condition worse than mine.

i stretched out my arms for her.

she swept them away, and walked off.

time never saves. it festers.

till your mind collapses in gangrene.

so i stitched everything up.

and turned my face away.

Pottermania

Im a self-confessed harry potter fan.

Arrived home feeling great while grooving to Perfect 10 hits and all psyched up to complete a whole bunch of other school's prelim questions.
Spotted my copy of "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" on the desk which came slipping out from my ah-lian bag (classmates should know). Dang. Even though the cover wasnt that fascinating. but thoughts came running through my mind again. though i've read it many times, i just cant resist the temptation. i wanna finish up the first book fast so i can move on to the rest. its just staring at me! it was staring at me!! Lord of the Rings was never THAT tempting.

Oh hell, what could it hurt to read just one chapter?
Harry's chosen as the Seeker of the Gryffindor team in the game of Quidditch against Slytherin. Professor McGonagall gave Harry the best broom ever. (they even have models) 'A Nimbus Two Thousand'. Harry was doing well in his training, and Wood was determined to clinch the Quidditch Cup this year. Screw maths, im hooked.
Read read read read, its 10.35pm and im at chapter 11, and still going strong.

*distant voices of all the teachers in the world* "Get your priorities straight Beishan!" Too late. Rowling's got me under her spell.

Spell of the Day:
Expecto Patronum
Useful spell to drive off Dementors, but extremely difficult to master. You have to think of an extremely happy thought with immense concentration, while uttering out the spell with much conviction. If successful, your Patronus would emerge and drive the Dementor at hand away. A Patronus differs among individuals: Harry's Patronus takes the form of a stag, in the representation of his father, who could turn into a stag when he was alive.

blissful time. there he goes yakking again:

all you people gorging yourselves at fullerton hotel, splurging from far east till city link, enjoying candlelight dinners on top of the city, remember that somewhere in Changi Point (and Tekong, and Jurong, and Pasir Lebar..) people are suffering, training so that you can enjoy such lovely experiences! -wistful- But it also reminds us: that someday, someday, we shalt emerge triumphant from the cesspool, and we shalt savour these simple (and expensive) pleasures, and drink deeply from life's cup! (slurp)


well. -shrugs- naggy.

Faith

I have faith that God's going to make everything all right. Yup. Mid-year exam was minor screwup indeed, small liddle itty bitty incy wincy spider crawling up the water spout, waiting for the rain of my super determination and exam-savvy to drown it and flush it down the loo!! (You see, the spider represents all the screwups, which i have decided to believe are minor and insignificant, and the rain represents all the other stuff i do to make up those errors! But of course you knew that, why am i telling you this for?)

Yup, ive prayed about it, and i have faith. I'll just "leave it to God". Cause God decides whatever that's best for you and i! So for all you people who're wondering about what's gonna come out of these damn O levels chinese paper, just say a little prayer, and leave it to God. :P

(okay beishan getting all reflective there and stuff.)

I cant wait for this to end! a few more hours to go! (you!you! stop reminding me i've still got my other papers to sit for) *deranged pulling out of tufts of hair*

Here's a little food for thought.. do the O Levels really matter? Yeah they're useful for getting into college or further education institutes and for a scholarship and all, but i doubt they'll count for much in the real world.. perhaps A Levels is the impt one. i guess your potential employer's going to be more interested in your 1st class honours rather than your 6 points.. (still, i WOULD like a set of nice grades, and stop bluffing, so would you!) Yeah, but personally, i think O Levels is more a "i believe i can do it so i wanna prove it" kind of thing, just would like to prove that, in Eminem's words, "you can do anything you set your mind to" Yup. Its possible and i WILL do it. *growl* (stop lying stop lying) What are your views on the dreaded Os, dear reader?

A thought into the future: I have more or less these choices: 1)work hard, get into sajc and proceed to university to get a medicine degree or something. and i can jolly well be my nurse. 2) study hard as well, get into tp or nyp and take up nursing course. be sent to a hospital and start working. 3) get into any poly. slack my way through. after graduating, work super hard to get into ocs and get a life there. 4) listen to my parents following my brother's footsteps: fly to melbourne, one year of college then university.

jeremish 29:11 says "For I know the plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." hmm. (:

molested

i'm really offended. super pissed. gosh. i'm molested. touched my this old freaking ti ko pek! argh. i'm getting all sick. whats your problem? whats your problem? i cant believe such things would happen to me. hey uncle, can you please control your hormones? wanna do such things, go get home and find your wife okay? dont pick on any girls out on the street. under law. this is what you call outrage of modesty. go get a life alright?

I've been thinking about the good old days
Decorated in a candy glaze
Each pretty ink blot panel
Tells a different tale
Each photo on the mantle
Sweet memories that never will go stale

I've been climbing up the walls again
Living with a memory that might have been
So pick me up on a weekday night
We could get together and ride around in
The black and white

I've been thinking about the good old days
My silly clothes and my silly ways
Each drunken drugstore purchase
Each chemical advance
Seven days a weekend
Every day the same old dizzy dance

Here's something every singapore sec 4 kid can identify with: the feeling of dread which hangs over you like a dark cloud from the moment you wake up every morning. "Oh no, I've got one less day to study for chinese O's!" Or when you're watching your favourite show in a sunday afternoon (sinfully guilty, because indulgence is the only way you can reward yourself before a week of studious fight) "oh no, only 8 hours left of freedom.."

Its now 9.48pm, which means i have 1 hour 12 mins to go before burying myself into those books again. Technically, the 1 hour 12 mins count for nothing since dread dread dread fills them, making them as unenjoyable as mugging itself. Sucks man. Havent felt this low in a long while. Maybe it is because i know there will be a mock paper tomorrow. Mayeb its because i know i've not yet touched my work. Maybe its because ive got to give flyers tomorrow. Maybe its because i know next week will suck.

Why will it suck? Because next week, dear reader, is Mugging All Out. The name itself conveys images of no sleep, heavy loads, big piles of worksheets, mock paper every day, pens running out of ink, heat rash inducing, pulling of hair, Revision, revision and more revision. Ahhh sucks.

But then again, once this week is over, once chinese O's is over, there's lots to look forward to. Hmmm mmm. Pray for me, dear reader, as i throw myself straight into the throng, discover new levels of shaggness, overcome new obstacles aplenty, wrestle with the best and worst of the human spirit, and most importantly, attempt to force down new informations from different exam papers!

I shall lead, i shall excel, i shall overcome (hey, isnt that a familiar motto? hahah), i shall survive, and i shall be back to blog of my tales! For they call me.. Van Helsing.
*music plays in the background*

wahahaha! im going nuts. Seeya!

i'm starting to love this.

she chose to walk alone.
though others wondered why.
refused to look before her,
kept eyes cast upwards,
towards the sky.

she didn't have companions.
no need for earthly things.
only wanted freedom,
from what she felt were puppet strings.

she longed to be a bird.
that she might fly away.
she pitied every blade of grass
for planted they would stay.

she longed to be a flame.
that brightly danced alone.
felt jealous of the steam
that made the air its only home.

some say she wished too hard.
some say she wished too long.
but we awoke one autumn day
to find that she was gone.

the trees, they say, stood witness.
the sky refused to tell.
but someone who had seen it
said the story played out well.

she spread her arms out wide.
breathed in the break of dawn.
she just let go of all she held...

and then she was gone.

When Exam Come..

Lord, grant me a quiet heart
before examination starts
Lead me to use my leisure hours
to rejuvenate my powers.

My mind from day dreams liberate
give me the will to concentrate.
From all distractions set me free
that in my studies i may be,

A student with a sole intent
to make my work a sacrament.
From my faint heart in love expel
all failure and dears that there
indwell.

And from my pillow dive away
all dark forebodings of the day.
Help me in faith to rest so deep
that i may have untroubled sleep.

While notes and subjects i prepare
may i not forget to pray.
And may i not forget to look
for daily guidance in Thy Book.

In quietness, confidence and peace
may i have quick and sure release,
from needless fears and
apprehension
from outward strain and tension.

So may examination find
each one alert in heart and mind.
Thus inward joy and peace
possessing
may examinations prove a blessing.

falling apart
it was too numb
to feel the pain inside.
the thought of friends
and love around her
vanished.
in split second.

she goes round searching
searching. searching.
for that glimpse of light.
but its gone
all gone.

no one understands
no one feels for her
she is alone
just alone.

the trust. the faith.
the bond.
destroyed.
a huge wall is building up.
between you and her.

she tries to smile.
tries to forget.

i see her running away
running far far away.
away from everyone.
everything.
into the darkness.

she sits alone
in the corner
thinking
theres no one
she can trust.
she teared.

the mind pulls the corners
of the mouth apart.
the heart bleeds.
is bleeding. not enough.
can't be held responsible.
breathless.
numb.
walk away.

in the end..
it doesn't matter.
she knows.
no one cares.
at all.

this is just for you. i understand how you're feeling inside pal. pull yourself through it. He will be there. I will be there.

Have you ever felt
some kind of emptiness inside
you will never measure up?
to those people
you must be strong
cant show them you're weak.

Have you ever told someone something
that's far from the truth?
let them know that you're okie
just to make them stop
all the wondering,
and questions they may have

Have you ever seen you face in a mirror
theres a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
you feel far from good.
need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand.
never understand.

Have you ever had this wish
of being somewhere else
to let go of your disguise
all your worries too
and from that moment,
then you see things clear.

Are you waiting for the day
when your pain will disappear
when you know that its not true
what they say about you
you could not care less
about the things surrounding you
ignoring all the voices from the walls.

i'm okie. i really am now
just needed some time
to figure things out
not telling lies
i'll be honest with you
still we dont know
whats yet to come..

disguise.

Mr Thomson mentioned something "disturbing" during assembly. (well, to him at least) He said recently theres something call a blog (how recent? gosh) an online diary. and people are misusing it. especially PL girls. He happened to read a few PL girls' blogs, and they are blogging very unpleasantly, and Mrs Lee and himself are very unhappy about it. well. seriously. i dont see anything wrong. i mean, well, a blog. its a diary kind of thing. something private. well. perhaps not really since its online. but still. i guess its rather personal. who are they to disapprove us using this? some people just like to use vulgarities every now and then. alright. look. i'm not saying its good. its cool. but rather. i guess everyone has their own style of writing. speaking. whatsoever. so who are they to be changing us? yes. i'm kind of against the comment he made this morning. but true as it can be, he's right to a certain extent. okie. i think we should cut down or rather stop on the vulgarities we are using. and beware of the things we say. so to assure we would not hurt anyone with our words. thou shall not lambaste. also. be kind. yes. i know i sound so un-beishan-fied. but be kind. yup.

my act of kindness:
i was walking back home when i saw a primary school kid cycling, knocked into the tree. he started whining and screaming (dots). so i went up to check. he hurt his calve. it was bleeding quite badly i would say. then that boy started crying. gosh. you should have seen how i reacted. "dont cry! dont cry!" was what i said the whole time. okie. i want to make things clear. first. i cant stand people crying. i'll really go crazy when anyone cries in front of me. cos of some reasons or so, i always make them cry even harder! -sigh- secondly. it made look as if i'm the one who made him cry. so everyone who walked past gave that why-are-you-bullying-a-primary-school-kid look. you must be wondering why the passer-bys did not stop and help. reason. the boy just happily squat down and cry. and his injured calve was facing the tree. so people cant really see. anyway. a moment later. this fellow came up to me and claimed he's the boy's friend. whoa. my heart lited up. right away man. so i asked him to contact this boy's parents. ok. mean time. i tried to clean the wound for that boy. i would like to admit. this is my first time cleaning someones wound. which is actually quite gross since its kind of bloody. yup. but nevertheless. i did quite a good job. -grinz- so proud of myself! i deserve some praise you know! clap for me. yes. YOU. dont try to act blur. clap for me! hurry!


It's been a long and winding journey,
but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces,
walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory,
where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling,
when i look into your eyes.

Standing here before you, feels like i've been born again
Every breath is your love, every heartbeat speaks your name.

Brought me here to be with you,
I'll be forever grateful (oh forever Faithful)

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle..

If you could see, what i see,
that you're the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel,
the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear,
that angels brought me here.

gay sebastian

"But God demostrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

yes indeed. Christ was crucified because of our sins. While hanging on the cross, Jesus cried, "It is finished." This meant that the way of salvation was finished. Our sins were paid for. How terrible it is that our sins had caused the death of the perfect Son of God. but because of this. we can now come to God through Jesus Christ. Praise the Lord.


above all powers
above all kings
above all nature
and all created things
above all wisdom
and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began

above all kingdoms
above all thrones
above all wonders
the world has ever known
above all wealth
and treasures of the earth
Theres no way to measure what You're worth

crucified
laid behind a stone
You lived, to die
rejected and alone
like a rose
trampled on the ground
You took the fall
and thought of me
above all


"I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5b)
such a wonder promise. yes. He will never leave us. never.

HUGS BEI!
keng.keng.